It was my work Christmas party and white elephant gift exchange. There was a Arnold Schwarzenegger “Pumping Iron” DVD in the mix and my heart immediately bonded to it.
And everyone else felt the same way… so it was promptly stolen. (Stolen back, I should say… ) My heart died a little.
I tried to get over it. I focused on my shirt, and directed all the love in my heart towards it. You can see why.
Why yes, my shirt does say “Santa is watching u.” It also has a floating eyes/hat combo that is the stalking, disembodied Santa I’m warning you about. And you see that reindeer outlined in red? It lights up.
No, seriously. It lights up. Sweet, right?
So as I left the party, I realized…. the Arnold DVD was in the girl’s purse. So, when she was distracted, I reached in and took it. And no one noticed. I, of course, did this with the intention of going “ooh hoo hooo! Look what belongs to me!” You know, taunting her with it. (Hi, Lisa!) But I forgot because I was distracted.
I realized that the light is right on my chest, and it’s just a tiny, flashing bulb.
I look like I have a light-up boob.
And it was really, really obvious.
I was so distracted by this realization, I didn’t notice the victim of my thieving ways was driving away…. and I really had stolen her Arnold DVD.
So I ran and chased and yelled to no avail…. But luckily my boob was bright enough that its beam blazed down the street and into her rearview mirror and bounced right into her eyes… so she saw me and stopped, and I was able to return the movie with a clear conscience.
But I realized, if it hadn’t been for this light-up shirt I would have stolen Ahnold! And very skillfully, I might add… No one knew. I was a literal thief in the night.
Notes I Find Written On My Phone... AKA Marcos Is Trying To Count The Freckles On My Face/He Is Weird
Marcos is currently quoting Dinosaurs and yelling “Not the mama! Gotta love the baby!” and poking my face to count my freckles. “I wonder if I push them in a certain pattern, they’ll open up into a secret world…”
Op, now he’s talking about Whitney Houston. My brain can’t keep up with his craziness.
About five minutes ago I found this little doo-dad on my phone…
Why My Husband Marcos Loves Me:
I flaunt and flourish my natural talent to be the most sweetest kindest wife he’s ever had.
I never chastise him for getting that hidden tattoo on his arse of Bill Clinton shaking hands with Monica Lewinsky.
I’ve never told him I’m actually JonBenet Ramsey.
I love classy, sassy women— from Oprah to Gaga, from Whitney Houston to Heidi Montag, from Taylor Momsen to Roseanne- such classy classy women!
He is such a nutcase. And I’m so crazy about him. I guess that’s what makes me better than all the other wives he’s had….??? Also, did you notice how the list completely derailed by the end?